i miss

i think of you waking now with your tousled bed head hair.
never more beautiful than first thing in the morning -
to my eyes anyway.
natural beauty,
freckles dancing on your skin.
i love you them and everything,
and only wish i'd said it then
not now,
when the light has died,
on your side.
a fool and love make for uneasy bedfellows.
and so i'll see your tousled hair no more
but remember 
with a smile.

Sunflower

I don't care how long this lasts
We have no future, we have no past
I write this now while I'm in control
I'll choose the words and how the melody goes,
Along winding streets we walked hand in hand
And how I long for that sharp wind
To take my breath away again
I'd run my fingers through your hair
Hair like a wheatfield I'd run through
That I'd run through -

And I miss you so - I miss you so
No you're gone I feel so alone
I miss you so

I'd send you a flower - a sunflower bright
`Cause you cloud my days messing up my nights

And all the way up to the top of your head
Sunshower kisses I felt we had

And I miss you so - Oh baby I miss you so
Now you're gone, I feel so low - oh I miss you so, I do

But I miss you so - Oh darling I miss you so
Now you're gone, I feel so low - oh I said I miss you so, I do

All I gotta do is think of you - and I miss you so
Baby I'm... I`m afraid to say why - I miss you so
Baby I'm... I`m afraid to say why - Oh I miss you so

---

...With You

for all the times i made you feel less than you are,

what can i say,

but i'm sorry.

apologies and love coming too late

for you

to reconcile

this

with

that.

my heart breaks to think of you,

and i do...

a lot.

smiling men with women and children

i see out in town,

and i sink and shudder to realise.

why didn't i smile more?

so much to smile for.

my mind too big a knot

to unravel.

it needed this bomb

to set it free.

undo the confusion,

the delusion,

the illusion

of who i thought

i might be...

but i wasn't.

i was meant to be with you

and you with me,

but i couldn't see

and so blew it.

my pessimism draining

the love from you

that you had for me.

you in your quiet understated wisdom

knew all,

and i dropped the ball

again

and

again

and

again.

didn't even see it

until it smacked me hard in the face

and left me bloodied

and humble,

in love,

in love,

in love...

with you.

To Becky #2

Even though I don't know Norwich that well I do have some fond memories of coming here, when you and I were together.  Yesterday I walked past The Compleat Angler.  I recalled our visiting there many years ago, when we hadn't been together that long.  A sunny day as I recall, as was yesterday.  So many years have passed.  Our babies a long way off way back then.  We were so young.  And then today I visited The Playhouse.  Not I place I think we ever visited.  It was our kind of place though.  A place to hang out and relax.  In days of drink we would have made a very good afternoon and evening of it.  Do you remember those days?

Today there was a group of young girls, maybe eighteen or nineteen years of age, having an afernoon beer, smoking their fags and being that good age where it's all a big new world of possibilities and freedom.  I imagined you and your mates being like them.  Perhaps even frequenting The Playhouse back in the day?  A couple of years before we met.  I could see you sitting there clear as day.  So beautiful.  So you.

I wished you were there today, but of course you weren't.  I like hanging out with you.  Just me and you xxx

Ouch!!

I saw this image posted on another site today.  The person who posted it commented "here's one that'll get you right in the solar plexus".  It sure poleaxed me!

Intimacy

The influential psycholanalyst John Bowlby stated that "Intimate attachments to other human beings are the hub around which a person's life revolves...From these intimate attachments a person draws his strength and enjoyment of life and, through what he contributes, he gives strength and enjoyment to others". 

I don't think I'd ever given a thought to there being such a hub.  Since the age of ten I had adopted such an individualist approach to living that I was a single spoke spinning alone.  And of course a single spoke does not a strong wheel make! 

Becky understood intimacy - and I'm talking about emotional intimacy here - on an instinctual level.  That had simply been her upbringing, her experience.  My family was a closed book.  Not much was ever said, and what was said was often negative or critical.  It wasn't an emotionally nurturing place.  

Consequently I have reluctantly, yet undeniably carried some of that with me into adulthood, and so into my most significant of relationships.  A most destructive way to be.  Destructive both to the self and those closest to you.  I can see now how my attitudes and behaviour were in the end an absolute barrier to that intimacy that I was subconsciously crying out for.  And certainly that intimacy that Becky was crying out for. 

Intimacy is at the core of a relationship and I was in many regards simply sharing space and time.  A distinctly different thing!  I'm not saying we never shared intimate moments, because for sure we did, but my lack of focus, understanding or acknowledgement in this area was certainly to the detriment of our growth as a couple, as our lives moved into a different landscape, post children.

Through various studies it has been shown that intimacy has a profoundly positive impact upon people, on both a psychological and physiological level.  A case of many spokes does a strong wheel make.  We need those connections.  They are the bedrock of our well-being.  The psychoanalyst and social philosopher Erich Fromm claimed that humankind's most basic fear is the fear of separation from other humans.  I'd thought the total opposite.  I saw other human beings as being a part of my problem, rather than part of my solution.  Again hardly a positive perspective in the context of a relationship. 

I was a muppet to be sure!

 

  

     

I Was Blind...

I was blind, but now I see
You made a believer out of me
I was blind, now I can see
You made a believer out of me

I'm movin' on up now
Gettin' out of the darkness
My light shines on, my light shines on
My light shines on
 
I was lost, but now I'm found
I believe in you, I've got no bounds
I was lost, but now I'm found
I believe in you, I've got no bounds

I'm movin' on up now
Gettin' out of the darkness
My light shines on, my light shines on
My light shines on, my light shines on
My light shines on

I'm gettin' of the darkness, my light shines on

Crash and Learn

Wandering down to my local hang out today, to drink coffee and buy hot chocolate for the kids, we happened upon a car crash.  The occupants of the cars weren't unduly hurt it seemed, but there was substantial damage to their vehicles.  The front wheel on the drivers side of one car was sitting at a strange angle, while on both, bumpers, head lights and wings were ripped, torn and smashed! 

On one side of the road stood three ladies looking pretty shaken, while on the other side there were two lads, one of whom - I'm assuming the driver - was throwing up in some bushes!  Shock? 

What are the chances then, that behavior might be altered by virtue of this violent impact?  Let's suggest that the lad was driving faster than he should have been, took a corner faster than he should have done, and his smashed up car and that of the ladies are the evidence of a selfish and unthinking attitude with regard to driving a car.  Do we think that he will likely now be a safer driver, more aware of his responsibilty to others?  Will this incident be hot-wired into his brain and so prevent him repeating those potentially destructive patterns of behaviour from his past?  Could this event - as unnerving as it undoubtedly was for both parties - turn out to be a blessing?  The boy racer has seen the damage his actions can cause, considers the consequences of his actions, and so drives in a more responsible manner from now on?

From my perspective I would like to think yes.   

Spike Milligan

I have our children staying with me tonight.  Our daughter was reading a book to herself in bed, which is about four feet away from me in the lounge!  It's cool.  She was reading a book to herself and out of nowhere she said "can I read you a poem?".  Who's going to turn down such an offer from a six year old.  She read me a poem by Spike Milligan called AB.  It goes....

A Bee!

A Bee!!

Is after me!!!

And that is why

I flee!!!!

I flee!!!!!

This bee

This bee

Appears to be

Very very

ANG

-ER

-REE!!!!! 

This led on to a chat about Spike Milligan.  How he was a funny man who had a strange brain that led him into some strange and fantastic places.  I could see she was into it.  A strange little creature prone to pulling the most bizarre faces and talking to you while crossing her eyes before cracking up.  She's very Spike Milligan already.

    

Loser?

I've just seen an article online, on the subject of rebuilding a life in the aftermath of a break up.  In it the author states "one of my pet peeves is knowing that people are doing desperate acts to try and get someone to love them". 

Now I know what the person is saying, and I am well aware that an accusation of desperation might be levelled at me in the writing of this blog.  So how do I feel about that?  To be honest I couldn't care less.  Of far more importance to me is the opportunity to get it all down, and not be a victim to yet more regret. 

I'm sure someone somewhere once said that "if only" are the two saddest words in the world.  Well I already have a whole stack of "if onlys" to my name and I don't want anymore - least of all where Becky and our children are concerned.  So here it is.  

You can't make someone love you anyway.  Lots of things have to align for that love, to truly happen.  All this is, for me, is a platform to say what I feel, present my case if you will, and expect nothing.  My heart is true and my heart is good...now. 

Myself and Becky both came from broken homes, and while we said we were determined to avoid that happening to our children, I feel I barely paid it lip service, in terms of any real determination to prevent it.  Because for certain, the warning signs were there for a long time.  I was arrogant enough to think though, that this day would never come.  

So, being called desperate for writing this blog is nothing, compared with the 0.00001% chance that might exist of repairing the home that I broke.

That Was Me!

"Not knowing how near the truth is,

People seek it far away, what a pity!

They are like him who, in the midst of water,

Cries in thirst so imploringly".

Hakuin

To Becky #1

I owe you so much.  You gave me the keys to a life I didn't realise just how much I wanted, until I'd lost it.  Or rather until I'd inexplicably pushed it away.  Towards the end of our time together I just didn't think we got each other anymore.  Or rather my fear was that you didn't get me - or my perception of me - and that I was having to try to be someone else in order for us to remain together.  

And then straight up, in the turmoil of our final days in Cornwall, I asked you what it was that first attracted you to me, and you nailed it.  What you said you liked about me, were the same things that I like about me.  And more to the point they were still me some 14 years down the track.  

That was actually a very happy and a very sad moment for me.  First the realisation that you really did get me after all.  That I didn't have to pretend.  I could be myself with you.  But then the sadness that it had all become so twisted.  It was an absolute breakdown in communication.  All the time I was thinking you didn't get me, and getting frustrated by that fact, and bugger me if you didn't know me better than I knew myself!  

You were the wise one to be sure.  I should have shut up and listened more.

The feelings that I have for you now, have come to me like a bolt of lightning.  In all the turmoil since I moved to Norwich, I have struggled to comprehend what the hell was happening!  I have cried more than any man likes to admit to crying, and could many times, see but one way out.  How was I supposed to move on from this?  It seemed to be one step forward, five steps back.  And then that bolt of lightning struck.  You love her you idiot!  This is what love is.  That feeling you've wrestled to get a handle on your whole life.  It's been there all the time! 

Today I see you and I feel love.  It is true what they say, that love is a glow or a buzz.  When I look at you I feel like the Ready Brek kid, with the orangle glow around him.  It's true.  I feel at absolute peace with my feelings for you.  I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I have never made a public declaration of my love to you before.  But I do it here now, and would willingly do it elsewhere.  When I see your hair shimmering like a ravens feathers in the sunlight - as I did the other day - and see you just being you, I feel that glow and that yearning to be with you.  Just to think of you is to ignite that glow.

I am not playing games Becky.  I am speaking to you from the depths of my very being.  From my heart.  This is not some flippant attempt to assuage my loneliness.  This is the real deal.  But I understand your hesitancy in responding to any of this.  Of course I do.  I just want you to know that finally I know love, and more importantly that I know that I love you.  I owe you and so many people an apology, and I will seek to make right all that needs putting right.  I have been humbled by this experience.  It was an experience I needed to go through.  I am only sorry that you had to endure so much of my shit along the way.  I never meant to hurt you xxx      

Where Does It All Go Wrong?

It's a common tale I suppose.  How those early days together turn into something else and all that was good and loving is lost.  Why does that happen?  As things become more familiar we are apt to stop seeing the beauty in them, and yet the beauty remains, in many cases increases even.  

When Becky and I first got together we would often leave each other notes - this was before we had mobile phones - and I would write her little poems to make her smile when she would come home if I wasn't there.  I remember one particular morning she was feeling a bit rubbish before going off to work.  Monday morning blues perhaps?  But anyway, before I left for work later that day, I wrote out a quick ditty for her to find when she got back, and which I hoped would put a smile on her face.   It did, and she typed it up, printed it out and framed it.  It sat out in that frame for perhaps ten years.  I'm glad she liked it, that it made her smile and feel better.  Anyway I can remember it off by heart, so I'll share it here.     

I pondered on a poem,

to write for you to read.

Instead I've got some advice

which hopefully you'll heed.

When you're feeling littly,

and a tear comes to your eye,

fight the urge to lay down,

to weep,

to sob,

to cry.

Just think of mashed potatoes

and irridescent seas,

men with funny faces

and childrens knobbly knees.

Just do yourself a favour,

when you're feeling down,

get into a handstand,

and upside down that frown.

Carry On Camping

We used to go camping lots.  We weren't the best prepared of campers.  We didn't have lots of fancy equipment.  But we survived and had fun.  When living in Cambridge we would often pack up and head to North Norfolk for the weekend.  Wells-Next-the-Sea being a particular favourite.  Then we discovered Brighton. 

Our first excursion down to Brighton wasn't actually a camping trip though, but a stay in a B&B for a few days.  We travelled down on a Monday.  I remember this fact because the day before I'd run the London Marathon.  Apart from the total body cramps I was suffering I recall we had a really nice time!  We liked Brighton. We even considered moving there for a while.  Always the sea! 

If I reminisce, probably the most memorable camping trip we ever had was at the Belgian Grand Prix in 2004.  

We arrived at the race track - which is located in the middle of a dense forest - mid-afternoon.  At this time things were fairly quiet.  We set our little tent up nicely amongst the trees.  A lovely scene it was.  I mean eventually of course other tents started to go up around us, and the noise began to increase.  But okay that was to be expected.  But then darkness falls and we are surrounded by Michael Schumacher supporters, who also appear to be an offshoot of the German Hells Angels!  

We decide to have an early night.  Except next to our tiny tent stands a generator, about the same size as our tent and thundering away powering the Hells Angels sound system and lighting.  A sound system banging out heavy metal at full volume.  Then come the dragons!  

Here we are laying in our tent, waiting to be trampled on at any moment, when the Angels decide to start playing with fire!  

I don't know what you call it - spitting fire?  You know where you put fuel of some kind in your mouth and spit it out at a flame.  Well that was what was happening around our tent!  So now aside from a trampling it's incineration that beckons.  I don't recall  much sleep that night...by them or us!  But we survived.  The incessant rain too, doing nothing to diminish our experience. 

I suppose when you are camping in Northern Europe, rain is always a likely forecast.  And so it seemed for many of our trips.  I recall we took our daughter camping with us in Cornwall when she had just turned two.  We still had our tiny little tent.  The one that had survived the dragons.  All around us the well prepared families, with their nice big tents, with separate rooms, got their kids into bed, and could then - despite the rain - sit out in their deck chairs, under their awnings, sipping on booze, relaxing and looking up at the stars.  We on the other hand were sat hunched in our two man tent with our little girl squeezed between us.  

And do you know what? I wouldn't have changed it for the world.  Happy camping indeed.

  

 

Cheese!

Becky loves cheese.  Here's some proper cheese!  But cheese that hits a certain spot

Nice idea...but where's the end product?

I am a man of many ideas.  The problem comes in putting any of them into practice!  A lack of discipline has been my undoing in so many areas of my life.  As Becky's mum said to me in the aftermath of mine and Becky's split "the trouble with you Mark is you never had any guidance".  She hit the nail on the head!  I didn't.  But I'm not looking to make excuses for my behaviour.  At a certain stage you have to take responsibilty as a so-called grown up. 

But as an example of an idea...I'm going to be a yoga teacher!  I get a loan out...or rather Becky gets a loan out on my behalf, to train and get a teaching qualification.  I get the qualification.  And have I done anything with it?  No.  I've had the qualification for over two years!  Rubbish! 

So I have in the last few days located a venue, have a good friend of mine updating my website - that again has been sitting idle for a couple of years - and am determined to see this through.  When the website is sorted I will issue some flyers around town directing people to my website, and look to make this happen.  I have been hindered thus far by a lack of discipline and a lack of confidence. 

I shall overcome!      

It's Not the Hardest Word...It's Easy When You Love.

For all those times I didn't listen,

I am sorry.

For all those times I said the wrong thing,

I am sorry.

For all those times that I said nothing,

I am sorry.

For all those hugs I didn't proffer,

I am sorry.

For all the times I didn't bother,

I am sorry.

For all the times I wasn't there,

I am sorry.

For all the hurt that I have caused you,

I am sorry.

I am sorry.

A Conflict of Interests

How often did I desire sweet isolation in order that I might be able to get my head straight?  Answer: too often, when I was supposed to be in a relationship.  I was blind to the fact that it wasn't isolation I needed, but to embrace and appreciate what I had.  

Becky loved me so much.  It shames me to say that I never really appreciated how much.  But it's plain to see. And when seen from Becky's perspective, where you've invested so much in someone and they have been unable to engage fully with that, it's not difficult to understand why she finally had to throw in the towel.  I am amazed that she stuck it out as long as she did.  

Getting my head straight has long been a quest of mine, and reading lots on buddhism and yoga as I have over the years, has been a big part of that.  But get this...it actually put me in conflict with my family.  How stupid is that?  Buddhism and Yogic teachings talk much of the need for solitude in order to settle the mind; and so you clearly see the conflict.  Being in a relationship, but seeking solitude???  Not gonna work.     

Buddhism and yoga also of course preach the need for love.  But for whatever reason I was blind to that.  Probably because growing up I was more used to solitude, than obvious signs of love.  Solitude was my default position??

Anyway my messed up head was telling me that if I could just find that space, and get my head straight, everything would be ok.  And so it has proved true.  Obviously not the ideal way to have got here.  But here I've been alone now for the last three months, and finally I feel like I've got my head straight.  It feels as though I really have experienced some kind of satori.

A new strength and a new understanding. 

Wake Up!!

"Come to your senses.  It is not the things of this world, be they chocolate or brown rice, that lead you astray.  Losing your way comes from giving no mind to what is present while chasing after imaginary pleasures which are illusions and unobtainable.  To wake up is to know what is already yours".

Edward Espe Brown

I have most violently been shaken awake.  It is good.

Good Fortune

"Forget mistakes.  Forget failures.  Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it.  Today is your lucky day".

Will Durant

I like that quote.  I can't change the past, all I can do is take it from here.  And maybe get lucky.

Cornish Isolation

In July 2010 our family moved to Falmouth in Cornwall.  Cornwall is the most beautiful, inspiring place.  Perfect for bringing up kids and living a certain relaxed kind of lifestyle.  Myself and Becky both adored the place from previous visits and had finally made the decision that we were going to move there.  And so we did.  But we shouldn't have. 

The cracks in our relationship were already well evident and we should have been more concerned with addressing those before such a major move.  Also we were moving around 400 miles from our nearest family members and so were diminishing the opportunities we would have to have just time together.  Just the two of us. 

Which is actually the crux of what our major problem became I think.  After the children were born we spent less time together as a couple and were permanently stuck playing the roles of mum and dad.  Of course as parents you spend less time together as a couple, but parents need to have some play time too, and we had none.  Consequently, in those circumstances you become strangers to each other. 

We used to have great times years ago - going off to Camden on a Sunday to mooch around the market and maybe check out a gallery.  Or we'd go for a Sunday pub lunch, chill in a cafe.  Nothing mind blowing, but just the little things that really matter.  Becky has been right all along about the need to be near family.  We needed that support.  It'd would have been of huge benefit to us. 

The easiest thing is to say that on so many fronts Becky has been right and I have been wrong.  I sometimes struggle to see the bigger picture and can be too spontaneous for my own good!  But I'm learning....FAST!!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

"The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed".

J. Krishnamurti 

This is it!  This is it!  This is it!

Love and Madness

It has crossed my mind that some might think me unhinged to have started this blog.  "Get over it" they'll say.  "Move on, it's over!".  Well that's far too rational for my liking, and doesn't allow for romance and beauty and fighting for what you truly feel. 

Love and madness have always been closely aligned.  So here I thought I would share some literary liasons betwixt love and madness.  They too perhaps go together like a horse and carriage??

"Love that is not madness is not love" - Pedro Calderon de la Barca

 "One is very crazy when in love" - Sigmund Freud

 

“I have loved to the point of madness; that which is called madness, that which to me, is the only sensible way to love.” - Francois Sagon

"There is always some madness in love.  But there is also always some reason in madness" - Friedrich Nietzsche

"A fool in love makes no sense to me.  I only think you a fool if you do not love" - Anon

"One makes mistakes; that is life.  But it is never a mistake to have loved" - Romain Rolland

Fear and Self Loathing

These are the terrible twins that lurked beneath the surface of my less generous traits.  But of course being a man, and so somewhat detached from confronting his emotions - even when they are so obviously destroying everything good in his world - I didn't confront what needed urgent confrontation. 

Every psychiatrist will tell you that not confronting these issues leads to worse pain in the end.  But hell how many of us hide from what is really going on inside of us, through one means or another.  Even back in the days of school when I was given the label 'class clown' it was in fact a massive cry for help.  Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside was an affliction I was familiar with from quite a young age. 

Today I think 'class clown' was actually code for 'annoying sod'.  I should probably apologise to my teachers at this point.  This is beginning to take on a My Name is Earl hue.  If you don't know the program it concerns a man who has a list of 100 people he has wronged over the years.  He tracks them down, seeks to make  amends and thereby realign his karma.  A noble desire I think.

So anyway here I sit typing this blog seeking to make amends for past actions, and hopefully realign my karma with the woman that I want to spend the rest of my days with.  She will be most sceptical and I understand that.  How can I not.  I know how I behaved, and based on the evidence of so many years, she did all she felt she could do before ending things.  I just have to hope that there is a slight chance that she might hear me out, and put some faith in me.  Faith I realise I have to do much to earn, and barely deserve.  She gave me so many chances, but it was only ever going to be a major shake-up such as this that was going to alter my behaviour.  I've been a mess for too many years, and only now have I seen the light.  The light of love.        

Futile?

I have to consider the real possibility that this quest will ultimately prove futile.  That Becky has moved on and that I am now left floundering in a quagmire of regret and remorse.  Forced to look in the mirror and realise that I am an idiot. 

This morning I came across a photo of our son.  It was taken on one of those days when I wasn't there, and with a more reasonable head on my shoulders I could have been.  I wanted some 'alone time'.  Well hey I've got an awful lot of alone time now, and I don't like it.  I want to be with my family.  I want to work for the greater good of my family.  Nothing else matters!  How much time I have wasted in my life.  It has taken this traumatic experience for me to finally properly wake up to what is important in a life.  I spent far too much time sweating the small stuff in our family unit.  Really lost sight of the bigger, most beautiful of pictures. 

The precarious nature of existence has always been to the fore with me, ever since I was 10 and my step dad died aged just 32.  Out of that I became a selfish person who thought that given the impermanence and uncertainty of existence, he was going to do what he wanted.  I don't berate my ten year old self for such feelings, and of course teenagers are notoriously selfish anyway, but when you are still acting in a similar manner beyond the age of 35, and with children to consider, then that obviously isn't right.  But we are slaves to our habits, and so it does often take a major trauma for us to change our ways.  Whether it's the man who has lived on a diet of pie and chips having a heart attack at the age of 40, or a selfish man losing his family and the love of the most beautiful woman. 

In either case the thing to do is recognise the folly of your previous behaviour, make a solemn pledge to change that behaviour and pray that the damage is not so severe that you cannot recapture that life you had before.  Except the new life would be a whole lot happier and healthier.

Humble

hum·ble

1. not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.

2. having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.: In the presence of so many world-famous writers I felt very humble.

3. low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: of humble origin; a humble home.

4. courteously respectful: In my humble opinion you are wrong.

I was often less than humble during the course of my relationship.  Disrespectful might be another way of putting it.  Indeed that is probably the thing I am most ashamed of - the lack of respect I often showed Becky.  I want to put on public record how much I do respect her.  As a woman, as a mother and as a teacher.  So committed to her vocation.  I have in the past cited her job as a primary school teacher as being a reason for our drifting apart.  That was wrong.  I should have offered greater support seeing the amount of work that she put into her job.  And not taken the selfish standpoint of only seeing it from the perspective of how it affected me.  She was exhausted.  But all I could do was moan about it.  Instead of being more understanding and supportive.  Giving her more hugs.  Buying her some little treats.  I was such an unthinking pig :-(

William Burroughs

The author of Junky, Naked Lunch and various other tomes of weirdness, that set themselves heavily against the mainstream, William Burroughs was not a man given over to sentiment.  A man in fact very much at odds with his species.  So how enlightening it is that the very last words of his journal, prior to his death aged 83 in 1997 were 


"Love?  What is it?
Most natural painkiller what there is.
LOVE"


We all, it seems, come to realise it in the end.  Even curmudgeonly old geezers like Burroughs.  


Far better of course for us and everybody else that we realise it sooner, rather than later!  It might just save the planet.    

Carl Jung

I came across this quote by Jung - 

"The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results".

This is where I sit in relation to my desire to reconcile with Becky.  That if we could overcome this, our future stability would be assured. 

You live, you learn and are stronger for it.  The danger in relationships I suppose is that you learn at different speeds.  

For sure I have been lagging way behind Becky for years. Finally she got fed up waiting for me to catch up.  If only I can convince her that I'm now up to speed!  

My Favourite Love Poem

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart


i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Happy Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day and here I am sat in my bedsit thinking about the goings on at - what shall I call it - the house where my children live?  Becky's house.

Those goings on would have been the kind of thing that would have filled me with a certain sense of dread in days gone by.  A fairly raucous family occasion!

You see I didn't really have much of a family growing up, and so Becky's clan - from day one pretty much - was an incredibly alien and overwhelming entity to me.  We were together for fourteen years and I never got used to it.  But then as they all would suggest - and I would now readily admit - I didn't exactly try.  Little wonder things didn't improve!

I hope they are having fun and that Becky especially is having a fantastic day.  She is a wonderful mother.  So patient and caring.  Wish I was there.

Do You Want to Know a Secret? - The Beatles

You never know how much I really love you
You'll never know how much I really care

Listen, do you want to know a secret
Do you promise not to tell, woh, woh, woh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you, oo

Listen, do you want to know a secret
Do you promise not to tell, woh, woh, woh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you, oo

I've known a secret for a week or two
Nobody know just we two

Listen, do you want to know a secret
Do you promise not to tell, woh, woh, woh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you, oo, oo

All Apologies

One of the big things in the breakdown of our relationship was my reluctance to engage fully with Becky's friends and family. 

Basically my social skills - as with so many people - were built upon the foundation of alcohol.  Then around ten years ago I was forced to give up alcohol for health reasons.  And since that time I've come to find large gatherings - weddings, christenings and large family do's - almost impossible to handle.  I now realise how pathetic that was.

These were the people that Becky loved, and who loved Becky, and I should, really should have made more effort.  Given my chance again I would be there by her side every time.  My discomfort is immaterial.  I am there with the woman I love.  To be by her side.  Proud.

I wish to apologise wholeheartedly, not only to Becky, but to her family - especially her Mum, Dad, Stepdad, Stepmum and brother - for my often distant, sometimes rude attitude, when in their company.  I am deeply ashamed and somewhat bemused at the way I acted.  My priorities were all out of whack, and the fact of the matter was I could not face up to my own inadequacies.  I couldn't handle it, but could never admit to that fact.

To Becky's friends - Sanae, Beth, Marie, Lyndsey, Claire, Roxy and there husbands and partners, I offer my sincere apologies and regret at having missed out on getting to know you all.  Again it is a case of being far more about me than it ever was about you. 

I am sorry. 

Mission impossible??

Hello thanks for coming by.  

What you'll read here are the thoughts of a man desperate to right the wrongs that have cost him his relationship.  That have destroyed the love given to him by a woman who gave him chance after chance to grow up, and come join the party.

This will be a place of cathartic outpouring, designed to move me forward emotionally and psychologically.  Where the ultimate would be to convince my now ex partner of my sincerity in wanting to spend the rest of my life with her and our two children.  Convince her that I have finally laid my most destructive of demons to rest.  Convince her that I now understand and more importantly feel what love is.

It is as if a dam has burst inside of me.  Feelings, emotions and a reality held in check for too many years have been set free.  I now understand with such clarity what it was that was lacking on my part in that previous life.  I took her love for granted.  Indeed I barely understood what love was.  But with an overwhelming intensity do I now know what it is.  It is all you need.  Wow!

Too soon are we dust.  We are indeed a long time dead.  Therefore I am utterly compelled to write this blog.  Humbly remembering however, that as the Rolling Stones said "you can't always get what you want".  

But hoping, hoping, hoping.