How often did I desire sweet isolation in order that I might be able to get my head straight? Answer: too often, when I was supposed to be in a relationship. I was blind to the fact that it wasn't isolation I needed, but to embrace and appreciate what I had.
Becky loved me so much. It shames me to say that I never really appreciated how much. But it's plain to see. And when seen from Becky's perspective, where you've invested so much in someone and they have been unable to engage fully with that, it's not difficult to understand why she finally had to throw in the towel. I am amazed that she stuck it out as long as she did.
Getting my head straight has long been a quest of mine, and reading lots on buddhism and yoga as I have over the years, has been a big part of that. But get this...it actually put me in conflict with my family. How stupid is that? Buddhism and Yogic teachings talk much of the need for solitude in order to settle the mind; and so you clearly see the conflict. Being in a relationship, but seeking solitude??? Not gonna work.
Buddhism and yoga also of course preach the need for love. But for whatever reason I was blind to that. Probably because growing up I was more used to solitude, than obvious signs of love. Solitude was my default position??
Anyway my messed up head was telling me that if I could just find that space, and get my head straight, everything would be ok. And so it has proved true. Obviously not the ideal way to have got here. But here I've been alone now for the last three months, and finally I feel like I've got my head straight. It feels as though I really have experienced some kind of satori.
A new strength and a new understanding.
A new strength and a new understanding.
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