These are the terrible twins that lurked beneath the surface of my less generous traits. But of course being a man, and so somewhat detached from confronting his emotions - even when they are so obviously destroying everything good in his world - I didn't confront what needed urgent confrontation.
Every psychiatrist will tell you that not confronting these issues leads to worse pain in the end. But hell how many of us hide from what is really going on inside of us, through one means or another. Even back in the days of school when I was given the label 'class clown' it was in fact a massive cry for help. Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside was an affliction I was familiar with from quite a young age.
Today I think 'class clown' was actually code for 'annoying sod'. I should probably apologise to my teachers at this point. This is beginning to take on a My Name is Earl hue. If you don't know the program it concerns a man who has a list of 100 people he has wronged over the years. He tracks them down, seeks to make amends and thereby realign his karma. A noble desire I think.
So anyway here I sit typing this blog seeking to make amends for past actions, and hopefully realign my karma with the woman that I want to spend the rest of my days with. She will be most sceptical and I understand that. How can I not. I know how I behaved, and based on the evidence of so many years, she did all she felt she could do before ending things. I just have to hope that there is a slight chance that she might hear me out, and put some faith in me. Faith I realise I have to do much to earn, and barely deserve. She gave me so many chances, but it was only ever going to be a major shake-up such as this that was going to alter my behaviour. I've been a mess for too many years, and only now have I seen the light. The light of love.
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