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Norwich, United Kingdom
A stupid man who had the love of the most beautiful woman and blew it. But who wants to make good. This is my very public apology to her, her family and her friends. I wasn't a cheater or wife beater, but what I did do was take her love for granted and abuse the privilege of being her partner. I was immature and selfish. I do not blame her for wanting away. But I want her back. I love her so much and want nobody else. Truly. She is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am ready for a grown up relationship. I am ready to take responsibility for being a father and partner. I have grown up. The road will be long and quite probably impassable. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. If only he'd done it years ago!!

Tuesday 20 March 2012

Futile?

I have to consider the real possibility that this quest will ultimately prove futile.  That Becky has moved on and that I am now left floundering in a quagmire of regret and remorse.  Forced to look in the mirror and realise that I am an idiot. 

This morning I came across a photo of our son.  It was taken on one of those days when I wasn't there, and with a more reasonable head on my shoulders I could have been.  I wanted some 'alone time'.  Well hey I've got an awful lot of alone time now, and I don't like it.  I want to be with my family.  I want to work for the greater good of my family.  Nothing else matters!  How much time I have wasted in my life.  It has taken this traumatic experience for me to finally properly wake up to what is important in a life.  I spent far too much time sweating the small stuff in our family unit.  Really lost sight of the bigger, most beautiful of pictures. 

The precarious nature of existence has always been to the fore with me, ever since I was 10 and my step dad died aged just 32.  Out of that I became a selfish person who thought that given the impermanence and uncertainty of existence, he was going to do what he wanted.  I don't berate my ten year old self for such feelings, and of course teenagers are notoriously selfish anyway, but when you are still acting in a similar manner beyond the age of 35, and with children to consider, then that obviously isn't right.  But we are slaves to our habits, and so it does often take a major trauma for us to change our ways.  Whether it's the man who has lived on a diet of pie and chips having a heart attack at the age of 40, or a selfish man losing his family and the love of the most beautiful woman. 

In either case the thing to do is recognise the folly of your previous behaviour, make a solemn pledge to change that behaviour and pray that the damage is not so severe that you cannot recapture that life you had before.  Except the new life would be a whole lot happier and healthier.

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