The influential psycholanalyst John Bowlby stated that "Intimate attachments to other human beings are the hub around which a person's life revolves...From these intimate attachments a person draws his strength and enjoyment of life and, through what he contributes, he gives strength and enjoyment to others".
I don't think I'd ever given a thought to there being such a hub. Since the age of ten I had adopted such an individualist approach to living that I was a single spoke spinning alone. And of course a single spoke does not a strong wheel make!
Becky understood intimacy - and I'm talking about emotional intimacy here - on an instinctual level. That had simply been her upbringing, her experience. My family was a closed book. Not much was ever said, and what was said was often negative or critical. It wasn't an emotionally nurturing place.
Consequently I have reluctantly, yet undeniably carried some of that with me into adulthood, and so into my most significant of relationships. A most destructive way to be. Destructive both to the self and those closest to you. I can see now how my attitudes and behaviour were in the end an absolute barrier to that intimacy that I was subconsciously crying out for. And certainly that intimacy that Becky was crying out for.
Intimacy is at the core of a relationship and I was in many regards simply sharing space and time. A distinctly different thing! I'm not saying we never shared intimate moments, because for sure we did, but my lack of focus, understanding or acknowledgement in this area was certainly to the detriment of our growth as a couple, as our lives moved into a different landscape, post children.
Through various studies it has been shown that intimacy has a profoundly positive impact upon people, on both a psychological and physiological level. A case of many spokes does a strong wheel make. We need those connections. They are the bedrock of our well-being. The psychoanalyst and social philosopher Erich Fromm claimed that humankind's most basic fear is the fear of separation from other humans. I'd thought the total opposite. I saw other human beings as being a part of my problem, rather than part of my solution. Again hardly a positive perspective in the context of a relationship.
I was a muppet to be sure!
About Me
- HumbleMuppet
- Norwich, United Kingdom
- A stupid man who had the love of the most beautiful woman and blew it. But who wants to make good. This is my very public apology to her, her family and her friends. I wasn't a cheater or wife beater, but what I did do was take her love for granted and abuse the privilege of being her partner. I was immature and selfish. I do not blame her for wanting away. But I want her back. I love her so much and want nobody else. Truly. She is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am ready for a grown up relationship. I am ready to take responsibility for being a father and partner. I have grown up. The road will be long and quite probably impassable. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. If only he'd done it years ago!!
Sometimes I feel crushed in the face of a culture (specifically British culture) which doesn't appear to value intimacy. I live alone and that makes me isolated to an extent. However, people are very adaptable and it's amazing how used I've become to living in my own space...
ReplyDeleteBut there's a cut-off point. You're right: without intimacy things tend to fall apart and we suffer emotionally. I also think you've been very astute to focus on childhood. As you know, I've been posting stuff to the IF for years now. We've had our ups and downs, and I nearly quit a couple of times.
I gave this a lot of thought, 'What's going on with all these idlers?' I wanted to know what we have in common. I reckon it's a common denominator: we're partly trapped in our childhoods! Or at least we have some 'unfinished business' there. In my case it's to do with being an only child.
These things could be true of any group, but I suspect it's doubly so with IF members.
Lack of intimacy is pretty dreadful. I long for it, but it's something which eludes me. All I can say is, it's worth finding again.
Thanks for your response 'johnny'. I too am an only child, but I'm not sure I place too much importance on that in being a factor for my own 'stuckness'.
DeleteMore relevant I think are the models you have, for what pertains to intimacy, when growing up. If the levels of intimacy are low within the family, then where is one supposed to acquire these traits? School? I don't think so!
I'm currently reading 'The Art of Happiness' by the Dalai Lama, in which a major sector is given over to his musing upon intimacy and the lack thereof in many peoples lives. In it he makes the hugely valid point that while bemoaning a lack of intimacy in our lives, we actually limit ourselves by defining intimacy in such narrow terms. It is a facet of relationship, within the confines of a couple or it is nothing!!
Counter to that he argues that the opportunities for intimacy exist all around us, but demand an opening up of ourselves. Too often we wait for another to make that first move - and I'm not talking about a first move in order to instigate a romantic/sexual liason or the like. Maybe talking to someone at the bus stop or engaging the shop assistant. But we are too hesitant to engage. Make a pledge to get intimate with someone once a day. It could make all the difference!
I highly recommend the book.